I Have Learned

Hello, and welcome to a new week at Humbly Courageous. I am so glad you are here. 

Living my entire life disabled, life has been a learning process. As with any life, you live and learn. Some things take much longer to figure out than others. 

Falling has been and always will be a part of my life. For as long as I can remember, I have been falling. It is just part of muscular dystrophy on my feet, and with foot drop on my right foot. 

With that said, the falling part never gets easier, but what comes after it has changed for me over the years. 

Saturday evening, I had a lovely dinner with my family to celebrate my birthday. 

After we got home, I got out of the car and took a few steps. I turned to say something to one of my sons, and the next thing I knew, I was laying on the ground in excruciating pain. I landed on my right side with my upper ribs and wrist taking the brunt of the fall. 

I have, in all these years, never fallen in front of my husband and both sons. My youngest and my husband witnessed the fall, as my older son came around the corner seconds after I fell. I saw him coming from my view from the ground, and I feel like I died inside a little bit in that moment. 

I hated for my boys to see me, their mom, in that state. I want nothing more than to be strong for them, and be their rock. I felt mortified, ashamed, incompetent, you name it, I was feeling it. All I could do was bury my head in my hands and sob, from the physical and emotional pain I was feeling. I just wanted to vanish in that moment. A deeply emotional, gut wrenching moment. I can still feel those raw feelings.

I was so angry at myself that I had, for one second, taken my focus off of my steps, which is a recipe for disaster. When I walk, I have to account for every single step I take, or I fall.

They were all so sweet and caring in how they came together for me in that moment. Each one asking me questions, and talking together on how to best help me. 

It seemed like an eternity before I allowed them to try and move me. I couldn’t fathom moving from the position I was in. The pain was like nothing I have ever felt, and I have had some pretty painful surgeries throughout the years. This was right up there as some of the worst pain I have experienced.

My oldest son said, “you are going to have to fight through some intense pain for a moment while we sit you up”. His encouragement motivated me to be able to do so. My youngest son had asked me if I could move my wrist around, and he told me he thought it was not broken, which calmed me down a bit. 

Sitting up proved to be scream out loud pain. I continued to sit with my head buried in my hands, dreading the next painful step. I knew I needed to get to the hospital to be evaluated. They contemplated calling an ambulance, but honestly I felt more comfortable with the people who knew how to move me and lift me to get me into the car. So, eventually that is what we did.

Several hours later, I was released with bruised ribs and a sprained wrist. I felt extremely fortunate to not be leaving the hospital with any broken bones. God was definitely looking out for me. 

Almost a week later, I am still in a great deal of pain. Bruised ribs are no joke! I cannot imagine what a broken rib feels like if this hurts this bad. It’s funny how quickly you can learn to adapt to pain. Not fun, but if you want to keep living it’s a must. Adapting to new ways to do things is a challenge that I am familiar with. 

I have learned that although falling is part of my life, and perhaps I should be used to it by now, that I will never get used to it. I will always fear those falls because they are scary. 

I have learned that I am going to be emotional every single time I fall. I am going to have to come back from the emotional distress I feel from falling. I am going to have to fight through the shame and inadequacy I feel each time I fall. 

I have also, most importantly, learned that although I may fall, each time I have risen and I have found a way to move on. Trying my best not to live in fear of the next fall. The further out from the fall the easier it gets, until I start the process all over again. 

I have learned that my kids and my husband have a unique experience as do I, and that is OK. We are all learning different things from our experience that can in turn, be taken into the world and used for the good of helping others. 

This is your reminder, as my son reminded me, to give yourself some grace wherever you may struggle. I’m going to continue to go forward with humble courage. 💚