Recycled thoughts

Hello and welcome to another week at Humbly Courageous. I am glad you are here! 

Loved this unique sunset!

Recycled thoughts. Anyone else have recycled thoughts on replay? Often our fear of reliving pain we have experienced in our lifetime trumps any sense of reason we should have. We become fearful. What if such and such happens again, or what if this or that happens? Sometimes in my mind, it feels like a broken record. It can be hard to escape that place.

It took me a very long time to get to a place where, in my mind, I was kinder to myself. I had a bad habit of constantly beating myself up. I could never measure up to the image of myself I had created. Truth be told, I was never good enough for myself, and so in my mind that meant I wasn’t good enough for anyone else either. I could be a miserable person to be around. 

When I first started trying to change this about myself, it was like a newly formed scab that just the slightest touch would open it up again. It was fragile. As time went on, the scab became thicker and eventually formed a scar that would take much more to open it up. It’s quite a relief to be honest. It’s a “scar” that I am happy to have. 

Recently, I have felt that scar getting picked at. Aging isn’t easy. It’s really hard to wrap my head around that fact that I have more in common with someone who is 80, physically speaking, than I do my peers. I feel like I am missing out on the true experience of middle age. It feels unfair. I was fast tracked to being physically elderly. That is how I often feel in my body. It’s hard. People often tell me that I look much younger than my age. That helps to know that at least part of me isn’t 30 years ahead of my time. I find myself starting to recycle thoughts surrounding these feelings. The picture of who I want to be isn’t matching my reality. 

I know for my mental health, that I have to stop these thoughts before they start to completely take over. As I’m am writing this, I wonder if this will even make sense to anyone. Perhaps it won’t. Maybe it will. 

Environmentally, recycling is a great thing. Mentally, it can be harmful. We all have things in our lives that we wish were different, or wish we could do over, and relive certain situations in a different way. Part of being human is learning from our mistakes and doing our very best to do better. Be better. I don’t need to tell anyone that. We know.

Right now, it’s day by day, and I’m trying to stay strong. I go in public, and I see the puzzled looks on peoples faces. I imagine they are wondering why this “younger” looking person is walking with a cane. I’ve said before, that is the assistive device that makes me feel the oldest. 

I will focus on the fact that I have life. I have many blessings and wonderful things in my life. I am grateful. 

A Bible verse that I believe is a positive recycled thought is this…

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6) . Without my faith, I would surely not be here today. 💚