Bracing For The Worst

Hi! Welcome to a new week at humbly courageous. I’m glad you are here. 

It’s no wonder that I brace myself for the worst whenever I go out in public. Every single time. It’s no wonder because I have encountered the worst many times in my life. The unsolicited comments, the stares, the whispering, the avoidance, people turning away from me like I am a monster, the laughter of young kids, those who treat me as if I am invisible. I’ve seen and heard the worst. Many times. 

Sometimes, I am brave enough to look up at a stranger coming towards me, not knowing if I’ll be met with a look of pity, a look of disgust, or a warm smile. More often than not, I regret looking up. Why do I care? I don’t know, it just hurts to see and feel that there are people who think that way I guess.

A few weeks ago, I was at a writer’s conference with a friend. It was her first time pushing me in my wheelchair. The conference was at a university and lunch was in the student dining hall. Normally, during summer break, it wouldn’t be too crowded, but on this day there was a basketball camp also going on and the kids at the camp happened to be at lunch exactly when we were. It was complete chaos as we tried to find our way to the ramp that would take us to where the food was. 

We found the ramp, but it was lined with what seemed like hundreds of campers. We were prepared to just wait until it cleared out. One of the camp counselors saw us and asked if we needed to use the ramp. Before I even got the word yes out of my mouth he screamed in what may be the loudest voice I’ve ever heard saying, “make way, there is a wheelchair! Wheelchair coming through!” My friend and I were definitely caught off guard and whether we wanted it or not, hundreds of eyes were on us. Some looked annoyed, others were gracious. A few mumblings that we were cutting the line. I avoided direct eye contact, afraid what I may see, that I may not be able to forget.

Even though his intentions were in the right place, an announcement like that is the last thing I want. I turned to my friend and said. “I’m sorry, this is what life with me is often like. In the spotlight, even when you don’t want one.” While I most certainly appreciated his help, a more dignified approach would have been more appropriate. Perhaps, he could have gone before us and said “excuse us” at a normal volume. People would get the message and move out of the way, and it would have been less of a scene.

A couple of days ago, I was at Costco with my college aged son getting him some things before he headed back to school. Behind us, I heard a little girl say, “mommy, I wish I was in a wheelchair. It’s not fair she gets to ride around!” Some days, I’m just not in a place where that type of comment hits right. I was having a particularly hard day physically. I noticed her mom didn’t say anything to her, just shushed her and moved on. My son said to me, “I’m sorry mom, hopefully that will be a teachable moment for her.” I know that little girl didn’t mean any harm. That doesn’t take the sting out of those comments though.

It takes humble courage to venture out. These type of  experiences often hold me back from wanting to venture out. I try to let things like this roll off my back, and I do better at it than I used to. Fifty years is a long time to have endured situations like this. It’s rare that I go out and am not met with some type of hurtful comment or stare. Some days, I’m just so weary of it, and just want to hide. That’s not living though. 

If you find yourself in a situation where you are offering assistance to a disabled person, please keep in mind that our dignity matters too. We should have the right to choose how we enter a space and present ourselves. I think it’s safe to say, most don’t want to be announced to a room like that just for needing an accommodation. 

My column in the paper this week was about living an unedited life. Being our true authentic selves. That’s how I really desire to live. When comments like these come, I will admit it makes it a little harder, but I still think it’s so important. 

At this point in time, I think we could all use a friendly smile when venturing out in public. Am I right? Maybe we should start by giving one ourselves. 💚

Check out my weekly column, “Disability in the City” in The Hamilton County Reporter. https://readthereporter.com/live-unedited/