Feeling Older Than I Am

Hello and welcome to another week at Humbly Courageous. Thanks for stopping by!

Something I’ve dealt with for as long as I can remember, as a lifelong disabled person, is being forced into categories that make me feel much older than I really am. This is in NO way a put down to older people. We are all headed toward our older days like it or not, and I see great value in learning from those who are older than us.

Often, for certain activities or circumstances I would find myself among a much older group of people instead of among my similar age peers. At times, that has made me feel out of place, and like I’m 30 years older than I am. 

Of all of my assistive devices, my cane makes me feel the oldest. I just picture myself as much older when I'm walking with it. It was my first assistive device that I used regularly. Occasionally, I find myself feeling sorry for myself. It feels unfair that I am fast tracked to an age category that I’m not in. 

The thing that frustrates me the most surrounding my disability is the feeling of being forced into a certain category. I strive to be healthy and active as much as my body will allow. It is a struggle of the mind when you have such contradictory things living inside of you. It can be maddening.

I know many don’t consider 50 as old, but now that I have reached that age, I feel a strange feeling. Like that big gap between feeling like a young disabled girl is closing, and I’m becoming the older woman that I’ve always felt forced to be. It feels very unfair for lack of a better way to put it. Like I’ve lost out on this huge chunk of time that most people get to enjoy. 

Summer break with two casts. Made the most of it!

I also think back on my childhood and think of all the time I missed out on while having surgeries and rehabbing every couple of years. I can be pulled into a very resentful mind space thinking back on that. As I've gotten older, I appreciate more and more the perspective I was gifted by having those experiences. It was an opportunity to learn different things other kids weren't. I was shaped into seeing the world in a much different way. Maybe, I appreciated the time I wasn't recovering that much more because I knew what it looked like on the other side? 

I often hear people who are getting older complaining about small inconveniences to an aging body. I sometimes scream inside wanting to say something that makes them realize how much they still have going for them. Then I think, I bet there are also many screaming inside at me, and thinking the same thing. It really puts things into perspective when we can focus on gratitude and what we do still have going for us. Getting hung up on what we wish would be, that likely never will be, is just another limit we place on ourselves, keeping us from fully living exactly where we are. We miss the moment. 

Staying on track isn’t always easy. We get sidetracked and sucked into emotional rabbit holes. Sometimes, we lose track of how much time we are spending in those holes. Keeping focused and staying humbly courageous as we face life’s hardships can be difficult. Personally, I find when I can stay focused on what is meant for me, are the times when I feel the most whole as a human. The mind-soul connection is where it’s at. You will know it when you feel it. I’ve learned staying in that space as much as possible, is the key to a fulfilling life. 💚

Check out my weekly column, “Disability in the City” in The Hamilton County Reporter. https://readthereporter.com/DailyEdition/2024-06-06.pdf