Skip to main content

About Me

My photo
Humbly Courageous
Hi, I’m Amy. I live life with a condition called Bethlem Myopathy which is a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy. I like to help others by showing how I live well with a debilitating condition. I was born with this disease, so it’s the only way I know life. I continue to work on embracing myself and using that to help others.

Followers

Dear Disability

Dear Disability,

Half a century. That’s how long I’ve been on this earth with you. That boggles my mind. I’m angry. I’m grateful.



The childhood memories with you become more of a blur with each passing year. The bullying you invited in just by being you. The insecurities that slowly took root deep inside my bones. The wonderful friends who didn’t care about how you made me walk. 

Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I have a flash of days gone by, and I’m transported to the moment. The sounds, the smells, the sense of comfort if it’s a good memory. Other days, I’m not so lucky. The anxiety, the trauma, also mixed with the sounds and smells that haunt me from the bad memories.

Dare I say, no soul survives 50 years without some deep wounds from something. Mine is no different. Wounded, scarred, blessed, all because of you. You are good and awful all at once, making my head spin. You are a master at bringing out the very best in people, as well as the very worst.

I’ve often wondered why each of my 50 years has been riddled with you. To describe you simply as “hard” seems like such an injustice to these years, to you. I can’t think of a word that accurately describes what it has been like to always live with you. Maybe you need a new word all for your own?

Physical ease has always been out of reach because of you. I admire it from afar. Quietly coveting the ease I see in others. Often, closing my eyes and imagining it. Telling no one how often these thoughts invade my brain.

If I had a day to escape you, I once thought I’d go out and run a marathon in my temporarily healed body. But no. Now, I’d settle for a skip up a flight of stairs. A simple, peaceful hike in nature. A day to go back in time, and effortlessly lift my babies up towards the sky, spinning them round and round, while meticulously memorizing the sounds of their squealing laughter. 

But, we are running out of time for any hope of moments like those. Now, you have met your match with the thing called aging. Because of you, the process is accelerated. The natural deterioration no one escapes, but combined with you, I have almost no defense left. You are a beast all on your own, but together, you are the ultimate weapon to take me down. Coming at the speed of a bullet train.

I’m terrified.

I’m not giving up. 

I’m humbled. I’m courageous.

I once thought of you as only ugly, worthless and evil. Those thoughts don’t exist anymore on their own. Slowly, new thoughts of you have taken root, extracting the insecurities from my bones. Beautiful, graceful, patient, divine.

For most of these 50 years, I saw you as a mistake, begging for a do over. But that’s not your truth. You were meant to be. For me.

As we usher 50 in, hand in hand, I see it now. I see it so clearly. YOU are ME. 💚


Love,
Amy


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

In Luke’s words

Hello, welcome back to another week at Humbly Courageous. I am glad you are here! When my oldest son asked me to proofread his college essay a few years ago, I don’t think anything could have prepared me for what I would read. My biggest fear before having children, was that my life, my disability, would affect their lives in a negative way. I know what I endure as a disabled person on a regular basis, and for years I debated if I wanted to bring children into the world with me and potentially affect their lives in a bad way. After years of discussion with my husband, I finally felt like the decision was clear. I feel God put it on my heart, that He wanted me to have children. I felt that very strongly all of a sudden. As I went on the journey that Luke took me through in this essay, I felt many different emotions. I felt sad, mad, grateful, proud and so much more. I am sad/mad that the opinions and reactions of others caused us to miss out on these precious times with Luke. That part ...

Dear Muscular Dystrophy

A letter to Muscular Dystrophy on the eve of my 49th birthday. This has been a lifelong journey…. Dear Muscular Dystrophy, At times you dazzle me, showing me the heights of human love and kindness, and at other times you take me to the deepest, darkest parts of my soul. I have silently pleaded, please just let this end. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’d like to say that was a one-time thought, but you’ve made it impossible to tell that as a truth.  I want to love you because you are a part of me, but you make it so hard at times. You feel like a best friend when I achieve feats that seem impossible due to my physical weakness, but also you feel like my worst enemy living inside of my body when you fail me, and I’m once again lying on the floor. You robbed me of big chunks of childhood joy, while I sat in silent envy of my friends, as I watched them effortlessly turn cartwheels, run and jump.  You are stuck to me like glue during the countless hours in waiting rooms, operati...

Bracing For The Worst

Hi! Welcome to a new week at humbly courageous. I’m glad you are here.  It’s no wonder that I brace myself for the worst whenever I go out in public. Every single time. It’s no wonder because I have encountered the worst many times in my life. The unsolicited comments, the stares, the whispering, the avoidance, people turning away from me like I am a monster, the laughter of young kids, those who treat me as if I am invisible. I’ve seen and heard the worst. Many times.  Sometimes, I am brave enough to look up at a stranger coming towards me, not knowing if I’ll be met with a look of pity, a look of disgust, or a warm smile. More often than not, I regret looking up. Why do I care? I don’t know, it just hurts to see and feel that there are people who think that way I guess. A few weeks ago, I was at a writer’s conference with a friend. It was her first time pushing me in my wheelchair. The conference was at a university and lunch was in the student dining hall. Normally, during ...