Self-Blame

Hello and welcome to another week at Humbly Courageous. I’m glad you are here!

Living my life with a progressive muscle disease, I’m no stranger to the self-blame game. Whether it be brought on from outside sources or my own thoughts, self-blame towards my lack of physical abilities is always waiting in the wings to attack. It’s an automatic go to if I’m not careful. It’s not helpful to me in any way. If I’m not my own cheerleader in a situation like this, how can I expect anyone else to be?

I’ve spent the last several years trying to correct damaging thought patterns. Most of my life, I was extremely negative towards myself and my disability. Retraining your brain is definitely possible, and it is something I’m capable of doing. 

I’ve seen a lot of progress in myself. However, it takes consistency and diligence, and a whole lot of patience. You have to go into it accepting you will take two steps forward and one step back over and over. 

Recently, I thought about how not that long ago most of the time I could choose to leave my cane behind in the car for a quick trip into the store. Now, I panic when I think about not using it. What was once more of a security blanket, now feels like something I can’t live without. I found myself thinking, did I not do enough? Should I have tried to exercise more? Am I letting fear take over and cloud my reality?

Part of overcoming self-blame is to work on your defense. Your battle against those thoughts. It's not just knowing your truth, it's believing it. In reality, I know I’m doing the best I can. I’ve got nothing left to give. I’m going down swinging that’s for sure.

What happens though when the self-blame is born from the things others say? That’s hard to hear from others that they think you could be doing more. If you’d just do it this way or that way maybe you could cure your genetic disease? I’ve heard a lot of those type of comments/unsolicited suggestions in my lifetime. It’s deeply hurtful and damaging to lay that kind of pressure on someone. It’s just ignorance. 

I’m not a confrontational type of person, so I usually just stay quiet. I get frustrated with myself that I don’t stand up for myself more and defend my truth. Another thing on the long list to work on. One thing at a time. On the other side of that, I also think the ability to hold your tongue doesn't always make you a weak person. Sometimes, that is the right thing to do.

It takes humble courage to fight self-blame head on. Are you too struggling with self-blame towards something out of your control? I encourage you to work towards changing those thought patterns. It’s good to hold ourselves accountable when it’s appropriate. However, when it turns into constant self-deprecation for something that isn’t in your power to change, that’s a problem. It’s so freeing to gain confidence and feel good about how you are facing the difficult circumstances in your life. 💚

For more on my story follow me on Instagram @ashinneman

Check out my weekly column “Disability in the City” in The Hamilton County Reporter. https://readthereporter.com/the-same-but-different/