Hello and welcome to another week at Humbly Courageous! I hope you have had a good start to the New Year! Ours has been a little rocky. Nothing too major, just lots of little things that have gone wrong. When it rains it pours.
Hi, my name is Amy and I’m naturally a catastrophic thinker. It’s a trait about myself that I don’t love, but one that seems deeply embedded into my being. It’s not that I don’t try to automatically look at the bright side. I do try, hard! It’s not that I can’t come around to seeing the ridiculousness of my catastrophic thoughts. It’s just not naturally what comes first.
Having a teenage and young adult son, I spend a lot of time in those catastrophic thoughts. Not good for them or me! Boys are adventurous and daring. They take risks and do…boy stuff. Makes a mom’s heart race for sure.
I came to the realization last week, after having my college son home for break, that I base a lot of these catastrophic thoughts from the viewpoint of someone who lives with a disability, of course. I base their experiences on my physical abilities. I never really noticed that’s what I was doing. When I hear of things they are doing, and want to do, I immediately think of what that would be like for me. Not intentionally, it’s just the only thing I know. I’m seeing all the things that could go wrong if I was doing the thing they are doing or wanting to do, which is not their reality.
My entire life, I have always braced for the worst outcome. I think it is a coping mechanism. I was often getting disappointing news at the doctor, hearing of my next surgery and rehab time, and never knowing what was coming next because of my lack of a diagnosis. I suppose I feel like if I can think the worst thought about something, it will somehow make the impact a little less painful when the reality is revealed to me?
The truth is, most of the time, the reality of a situation is much less extreme or difficult as I have created it to be in my mind. Yet, even knowing that, it’s still a battle for me. It’s what I’ve trained my mind to do.
I hope to focus this year on more positive thinking. I have made progress with this, and I do look at many things in my life with a more positive mindset, especially my disability. The difference from how I viewed myself even 5 years ago, is drastically different.
Turning to my faith in these difficult times is what gets me through. Believing that I have a purpose and leaning into that purpose has truly changed my life. When I do that, it’s easy to see the way our stories are connected to one another. Our stories, our lives, aren’t always easy that’s for sure. It’s the experiences in life, good and bad though, that we are able to form these connections with others.
I am going to strive to stop overthinking every situation, to live trusting in the moment. At my age, and with what I have lived through and continue to face, I already know that life isn't easy. I know I will not be perfect at this 100% of the time. I do think I can retrain my brain to think more positively, just as I retrained it to be more grateful, even for the smallest of things. It takes humble courage to face these deeply embedded things in ourselves that aren't serving us well, but are our areas of comfort somehow, because it's what we know. It will take consistency, dedication, and giving myself some grace. Ultimately, it will be a much healthier space for me and my family. 💚
For more on my story, follow me on Instagram @ashinneman, and check out my weekly column, "Disability in the City" in the Hamilton County Reporter. https://readthereporter.com/new-year-new-me/
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