Hello and welcome back to another week at Humbly Courageous. I'm so glad you are here! I used to do this thing when I lived in Memphis,TN and was working for the State doing home visits with adults with intellectual disabilities and their caregivers. I was going into some of the most poverty stricken areas in the city and trying to connect these families with some much needed resources to improve their quality of life. As you can imagine, that was a difficult job for a 23 year old, or anyone really. I feel things so deeply, and it just devastated me seeing the conditions in which some of the families were living. It was eating me alive in the beginning. I couldn’t escape the sadness. I carried it home each and every day. I learned pretty quickly that a way to escape it was to emotionally numb myself to it. It was sort of hard at first, but then I was able to do it. Not completely, but to where it was realistic for me to be able to keep doing my job, as well as to keep my sanity. To be clear, I’m not referring to numbing with substances, but detaching emotionally.
For years, I had done this with my disability. Treating it as if it was not a part of my overall person. Treating it as though it was an enemy. You can imagine that is a very tough way to live. It’s a constant battle fighting against something you don’t have the power to defeat on your own. When you don't have others to talk to who can relate to you on the level you need, it feels very hopeless, and you feel very isolated and alone. To escape those feelings, a lot of times, I just numbed out.
Clearly, I used numbing as a coping mechanism. An escape from my reality. In reference to my employment, I don’t view the numbing I did as a negative thing. It allowed me to continue in my position and help those who needed my help. Otherwise, I would have had to leave my job.
However, when I think about the numbing I did as a child, and into my adult years surrounding my disability, I don’t think it was a healthy thing for me to do. It held me back, and I was never content with who I was because I was trying to separate from something that makes me, me. It took a huge toll on my mental health.
When I stopped numbing, and truly faced my reality, my life changed. Especially mentally. I became more confident, and started to believe in myself. I realized my value and what I have to offer is unique to who I am. All of me. My internal dialogue changed in the process. I give myself much more grace than I used to, and it feels good to be able to do that.
Amy, this post really spoke to me! I think so many of us numb things when we are younger. I did the same thing with my Highly Sensitive Personality traits. Isn't it wonderful that time gives us the gift of wisdom to stop numbing ourselves and, instead, start to embrace the things (both bad and good) that make us who we are? Thank you for your posts, keep them coming.
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