Silence Isn't Always Golden

Hello, and welcome to another week at Humbly Courageous! If you are new here, thanks for stopping by.  Most of us have probably heard the saying, silence is golden, meaning it's often better to remain silent than to speak. I think the full saying is speech is silver, silence is golden. While that may very well be true in some cases, when it comes to silence and having my needs met as a person with a disability, I think this statement is untrue. In fact, it’s better to speak up and voice our needs as someone who has needs that need to be met in order to keep me safe, or make an experience as successful as possible for me.

Public Speaking Has Helped Me A lot!

In last week's blog, I briefly touched on how the conversation between my longtime friend and I had us remembering how I used to "mask" my disability in middle and high school, and even into college. The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to myself at that age, especially if I felt like I was putting someone out to get a need met. Often times, I chose to silently suffer because I was too shy, too afraid, or not educated enough to know that it was ok to speak up for myself and what I needed as a young, disabled girl. To be honest, it was mostly because I didn't want to be any more different from my peers than I already was. Blending in was the goal then, not standing out.

My high school had an elevator which I was forced to use after having a surgery. I also was granted permission to have someone leave class with me early to allow extra time to get to class and avoid crowded hallways of students unfamiliar with dodging a wheelchair. However, when I wasn't recovering from a surgery using that elevator was the last thing I wanted to do. I chose to do things the hard way and very slowly make my way up the crowded stairways. I always hated that feeling of people effortlessly climbing the stairs all around me. That is a lonely feeling, to be left behind like that. We had exactly 7 minutes to get to our lockers and get stuff for the next class. That was sometimes a challenge depending on the distance between classes, but it's what I chose to do. Looking back of course, that seems so silly to me, but it was very much my reality at the time. Unless I was forced to ask for accommodations, I was going to avoid it, even if it meant my life was more difficult and internally stressful.

I did it in my work life too. For a long time I never told my boss that I had to crawl up my clients stairs if they didn't have a railing at their home during my hundreds of home visits over the years in social services. I just kept doing it, each time being horribly stressed out and humiliated. It's nearly impossible to come across as confident and capable when you are meeting your client or parents of a client when on your hands and knees, if they happened open the door up before I was able to get back up. Some were horrified, others compassionate. I did this for years and years. Why? I didn't want to cause a fuss, and I wanted to keep my jobs. I liked my jobs. Hated that part, liked the other parts. 

Even now, I often find myself staying quiet when I should be speaking up for a need that I have in a certain situation to make my life a little easier physically. It's hard to ask for things like that when you don't know if you will be met with a kind attitude or a hateful one. I've definitely gotten better at it, but sometimes I still just want to avoid the interaction. 

That certainly would not be my advice to a younger person asking me. I would tell them to absolutely speak up for their needs, boldly and confidently. Why? Because as human beings we should all have the same access to all society has to offer. It should be demanded and expected. It's absurd to think that just because someone is disabled they would not be given the same opportunities as a non disabled person, but it’s not uncommon. Living with a disability can be very difficult without the added stress of constantly fighting for simple accommodations like access to a restaurant, theatre, airplane, restroom, tourist attraction etc.

In my role as the adult National Ambassador for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, publicly sharing my story has helped me to grow SO much. Each time I’m able to share my story with an audience, I feel more empowered to voice my needs as a disabled woman. I’m forever grateful for this opportunity that is providing me with these opportunities!

Even though I'm not perfect at speaking up for my needs, especially when I feel like I'm putting someone out, or changing someone else's experience, I am getting better at using my voice. After 49 years, I'm still practicing. How could I have expected my family, friends or teachers to know what I needed when I wasn't saying a word? I couldn't. That's just part of my life's reality. I do have to explain my needs, and often times follow up with a story about why. So, silence isn't always golden. If you have the need to speak up for yourself, then humbly courageously do so. Hopefully you will be met with compassion and the accommodations you need. Meanwhile, I will be here practicing along with you! 💚