A Hateful Encounter

Hello and welcome to Humbly Courageous which is a series of past and current life stories, as a woman who has lived her life with a disability. Sometimes, my posts are happy and upbeat and encouraging, and others like the one you are about to read, are an example of the social injustices I face regularly as a disabled woman. I like to keep thing’s positive and upbeat, but as you know life just isn’t always that way. 

Sitting looks very different than when I walk 

To the woman who treated me so cruelly just because she judged a book by it's cover....

I guess you'll never know how deeply your mean stare and unkindness towards me hurt my heart. I guess you didn't see me struggling to carry three small grocery bags to the car while walking with my cane. You couldn't have possibly known the thoughts going through my head as I was putting my cart away and getting ready to make the short trek to my car. The conversation going on in my head went something like this.....Am I going to make it to my car without falling? I could take the cart to the car, but that would just mean more steps to return the cart to the cart corral that isn't near my car. It's windy out, I hope I don't get knocked down. The bags are throwing me off balance. I'm scared I'm going to fall. You can do this, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this, silently repeated over and over until I reached my car parked in an accessible parking space near the door. I got my bags safely in the car, and then myself. As I closed my door, I took a deep breath, whew, I did it! Only to then look up and see you coming out of the store, eyes laser focused on me sitting in my car trying to catch my breath. As you got in your car parked directly in front of me, your piercing, mean stare was unavoidable. I usually don't make eye contact, because I try to avoid these encounters as they are so upsetting to me. But yours, seemed to be radiating through my car windshield, and you weren't letting up. It was unavoidable. I wanted to get out of my car, to show you how wrong your assumptions were. I wanted to scream at you so you would know the pain I was feeling, but I didn't. I watched as you backed up and then drove your car right up by mine and stopped, glaring and shouting at me. I don't know what you were saying because I didn't roll my window down. I was frozen. I didn't want to be, but I was. I was scared because you were SO angry at me. I wanted to make you understand that you were so wrong. Didn't you see my placard clearly visible hanging from my mirror? The one that says, NO EXP? As she finally drove away, I hoped she didn't see my tears. I was frustrated with myself that I hadn't defended myself, but I also knew that I didn't want to engage with her. I didn't want to waste my energy trying to convince her she was wrong.

I was just trying to buy my husband and my son a little Valentine's treat, and some laundry soap. I didn't know when I went into the store that I would be leaving there that day feeling defeated, and hated. As I gathered myself to go pick up my son from his appointment, I wondered how many more times I will have to have these encounters. I'm not good at letting these types of aggressive encounters roll off my back. Clearly I'm not, as I'm taking the time to write about it, hoping to let this be a reminder to all of us, that we really just should not judge a book by it's cover. I've been disabled my entire life. If a parking space helps me get from point A to B independently, then I should be able to do that without someone trying to make me feel like a complete piece of human trash. I like to write about experiences that I have learned to do better at as a person with a disability, but this is one that I just can't wrap my head around. It never gets easier. It never doesn't deeply hurt. 

While this wasn't an unfamiliar incident, I wasn't expecting it that day. I was caught off guard. I usually just brace myself for the mean stares whenever I park in an accessible parking space. I've been screamed at, called names, had people disgusted with me, all before they even saw me take a step. They were simply judging me based off of what I look like sitting in my car. I only have to take one step for them to quickly turn around and walk away from what they are about to say to me, and I assume feel badly for misjudging me. I usually don't have to say a word, but just take a step or two, then they know. 

Sometimes, life with a disability just feels like an endless string of trying over and over to prove that I'm worthy of this or that. In this case, that I have proven myself worthy of parking in an accessible parking space as someone who is still ambulatory with a disability. Before you tell me it wasn't really about me, maybe she was just having an off day, I will kindly tell you that while that may be true, it most certainly affected me whether it was about me or not. 

It takes humble courage for me just to leave my home, and face the public. I wish it didn't. The work I do to help educate others on what living with a disability is like, and the progress I sometimes feel like I'm making in some very small way, can easily feel like it's just been a waste of my time when I realize there are so many people like this woman out there. Yet, I will press on. I will keep trying. Maybe it will make a difference for someone else. Maybe it will be one less incident of someone being so grossly misjudged. That is my hope for today. Until next week...keep pushing forward. 💚

P.S.  There is hope for this world, there really is. If you follow me on Instagram @ashinneman, you likely saw a video I made about a woman whose kindness touched my heart just a couple of weeks ago. Same parking type of situation, but the polar opposite of the experience I had this week. Her kindness gave me the kind of hope I need to keep trying.