We Did It, Together

Hello, I hope it’s been a great week, glad you are here today at Humbly Courageous. I can remember the exact moment I found out I was pregnant with my firstborn son, Luke. I remember where I was standing, and exactly  what I said to Jamie when I called to share the news with him.  I remember being excited but at the same time scared. Living with Muscular Dystrophy, I was very nervous for how I would handle it all. Funny thing is, as I’m now counting the hours, only about 48 more before we drop him off at college, I’m feeling the same thing. Excited and scared. Excited for him and the possibilities that lie ahead, but scared for the feelings that follow, as we head home without him. Settling into our new normal, just the three of us. Emotions are already high.

It was always Purdue 🖤

When you look back on life, you can have these moments of quick snapshots, one after another that just go through your mind. The memories that surface, of a life lived together. Good times, bad times, sad times, hard times. As a mom with a disability, I look back on my life with Luke and I’m so proud of us and what we did, together. There were many challenges and tough moments trying to find our way together and navigating all the things that had to be altered due to my disability. At times, it was excruciatingly difficult for me, and I carried a lot of guilt that sometimes I wasn’t doing enough, or the way other moms were. 

The truth is, Luke did struggle with my disability. It was hard for him at times, the attention that is drawn when we are out in public is the last thing a teenager wants. People’s stares and comments made didn’t go unnoticed by him. He wrote his college essay on that journey and what that looked like for him. How he navigated his own feelings surrounding his mother with a disability. How he went down that path of some resentment and being angry about it, back to how it came full circle for him and actually was the driving factor to choosing his potential profession. Luke has this way of pushing me to keep fighting, silently, but it’s there. He’s a tough love kind of guy. Expecting the best. He’s always expected my best, and I’ve tried to deliver. Motherhood is in no way over obviously, but with Luke, things are certainly changing.  It’s that time now, time to let him fly. 

I can remember the first time I was left alone with him. Jamie had to return to work after about a week off with us. One of the best weeks of our lives. Newborn bliss! For months, I had been anticipating this moment. Mapping out in my mind how I could make things work for us. I spent countless hours trying to figure it all out. I wanted to be as independent as possible as his mom. I couldn't walk him around to soothe him when he cried like most moms could, or strap him to my body with a carrier as I went about my day. I could however, stroll him to wherever we would sit, and from there, get him out and hold him. So, that's what we did. We just strolled all over our little 800 square foot house. It worked for us. It was our thing. 

When I would want to leave the house with him, I would stroll him out to the porch in his car seat. From there, I took the car seat out and carefully set him down first one step, then the second. Then I would go back up and get the stroller and awkwardly pull it down the two stairs. It wasn't smooth, but again, it worked. Then I would put him back in the stroller and wheel him out to the car. Putting the car seat into the base in the car was quite difficult for me. Balance isn't my friend, and neither are heavy things, but I would pull the stroller up as close to the car as I could and lean against the car door so I wouldn't fall, and from there maneuver the seat into the base. It took a lot of my energy just to get him in there, but I was determined and never wanted him to miss out because of my limitations. I was able to do most of the things moms do. The only difference was that it usually took me much more time, and many more steps to do something that they could do in one smooth motion.

When Luke was about 4 months old, we had to move in with my parents. We were in the process of building our new home, and my parents were gracious enough to take us in. We lived there for almost a year. It worked out really great. I was working part-time and my mom was retired and able to take care of Luke. It was such a blessing to have that help during that time and know that he was in the best hands while I was at work. A new place though meant learning to adapt all over again with a baby. We got used to it, and I didn't use the stroller as much there because there was usually someone there who could carry him from place to place when I needed them to. By the time we moved into our new home, he was walking and that helped a lot! He learned that if he was upset, I would go sit down and he would come to me and we would get him up on my lap. 

As he grew, he of course, became more and more independent and things got a little easier in a lot of ways. Taking him out of the house when he started walking was a little challenging. I had a rule that he had to stay in his stroller or the cart. I couldn't risk him running from me, because I wouldn't be able to catch him. He was fast and he loved to run everywhere. 

Packing him up to head to college 

Those days seemed so physically challenging at the time. Now as we prepare for him to leave the nest, I long for those challenging days. They taught me so much. Patience, endurance, grace, trust, resilience to name a few. I often get asked the question, “how was it being pregnant while living with Muscular Dystrophy?”I say, it was hard. Up at the top of the list for the hardest things I've ever done, quickly followed by, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Many times, facing the hardest challenges with humble courage are what make us the strongest. God knew all along I was going to be a mom to two beautiful sons. I didn't, but He did. He saw a way, when I saw a wall. I hope that Luke always, always knows how hard I fight to be a good mom for he and his brother. 

Motherhood is an ever changing journey. A constant change of emotions. Ready or not, it’s now time to watch what comes next, and see what the next chapter looks like. I have no doubt he will make us proud. He always has. Times, they are a-changin’ 💚