Hello and welcome back! Body image, I guess I'm going to tackle this one today. Not an easy topic for me, but here we go! As a person who has lived in a disabled body her whole life, there has been some major struggles with body image. As an elementary student, I was always self conscious of my braces and my ever increasing scars. At that time it wasn't as much about my actual body, as it was just a feeling of being different from all of the other girls. I was envious of how fast they could run, or how they could jump and just seemingly do everything with ease. They would turn cartwheels like it was the easiest thing in the world. It looked effortless. I wanted strong legs, but my legs had braces, or I was often wearing casts from surgeries. I did what I could though, and kept up to a certain degree.
As I got to middle school, I started to become more aware of my body, my size, my scars. I have a 3 inch scar on my left thigh. I hated that scar. It was from a muscle biopsy I had when I was about two years old. Often people thought I was wearing panty hose and they had a run in them. That was so annoying to me when they would say that. I would always think to myself, why do they think as an 11 year old that I am running around in pantyhose?! Through numerous surgeries, I was able to shed my full time braces, but the trade off was that both of my ankles are covered on all sides with big scars. The ones that bothered me the most are the two huge scars that are on the back of my feet from Achilles tendon surgeries. I always tried to hide them with socks. I didn't want anyone looking at them, or asking me questions about why I had them.
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| Muscle biopsy scar |
In high school, the body images issues only increased. It's not uncommon for a girl to compare herself to others, and not feel up to par with some of the girls. As a disabled girl, my insecurities were tenfold. I did what I could to "fit in". I loved keeping up with the trends as much as anyone else. It bothered me though that I didn't have perfect looking legs. I became kind of obsessed with my body image, and in my mind it was rough. I found myself constantly comparing myself to others.
During college, more specifically my sophomore year, I started getting interested in weight training and even took a weight training class. Kind of funny because I can't really lift much weight, but it was educational! I went down the wrong road with that though, and became obsessed with my food, and went through a phase where my eating was pretty screwed up. I was trying to keep my weight down. I am on the shorter side at 5'2", and as someone who isn't able to burn a ton of calories because I'm not able to move as much, I have to be careful. If I gain weight, even a little, it makes it much harder for me to walk. Even a few pounds makes a very noticeable difference in the effort it takes to walk. Since college, I've gone through a lot of ups and downs with unhealthy diet habits and restricting myself because I wanted to look a certain way.
In all transparency, I still struggle with body image at times, but I'm working on it and I've come a long way in that area. I still desire to be a healthy weight, but as I get older its more for health reasons than it is for vanity reasons, or trying to fit in. Exercise is important to me, but now it's because I know that is my part in keeping my muscles as healthy as I possibly can, as is what I put in my body. I accept my scars now as a part of me, and I never think about trying to hide them or cover them up. They tell a part of my story, and I'm proud of myself for making it through all of those surgeries and years of rehabilitation.
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| Nothing to hide, proud of these scars |
In talking with some others who have a disability, I've learned that I am not alone in my struggle as a disabled person with body image issues. I am aware that non disabled people have body image issues too. This is just from my perspective. I would like to be a part in helping to change that mindset. Humbly courageously continuing to work towards a healthier mindset for myself surrounding my body image, while encouraging others to do the same. I think we should be proud of our differences. As I've said before, I think our differences are what make life interesting. How boring would it be to all look the same, or talk the same? We were never all meant to be the same.
MDA has declared 2022 as the "Year of Independence". "The year of independence means the ability to believe in yourself. We want those in the community to share their stories, celebrate successes, but also share the challenges faced in our daily lives." That could not be more in line for my vision in my life, and what I've been working towards illustrating in my blog. I hope that I have, and continue to, shine a light on my journey to believing in myself, while also highlighting the reality of the challenges I have faced, and continue to face as a person who lives with muscular dystrophy. I think it's important to share both sides, because that is our reality. We can learn so much from each other if we are willing to share our stories, and are willing to listen to other's stories. I encourage you to share your story too. 💚
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