Marriage With A Disability

Hello and welcome back to another blog! Thanks for being here. I appreciate your support!

Marriage…. In honor of our 22nd wedding anniversary on Saturday October 23rd, I thought I’d share a bit about what marriage is like from my perspective as a person with a disability. Anyone who is married knows that marriage is hard! Sure it’s amazing and great and all of those things, at least hopefully it is! However, it is also hard work. It’s a lot of compromise and selflessness. Add a disability into the mix, and that requires another level of selflessness from the partner of the person with a disability. It’s just the truth.

Wedding day!

My husband and I met when I was a freshman in high school, and he a sophomore. When I asked him what he thought when he first saw me, he said naturally he wondered why I walked differently. I guess the rumor was that I had a club foot, which I didn’t know until just recently. I had surgery and did casting as a child to correct that, so it wasn’t accurate as most rumors aren’t. He said he was unsure what that was and he did, honestly speaking, have reservations about going on a date with me. However, after our first date, and taking the chance to get to know me, he said none of that mattered anymore. He saw my heart and liked my sense of humor, and we both fell in love quickly. 

Just friends…My high school graduation 

To make a long story short, halfway through his senior year, my junior year, he decided we should break up. Ultimately it was best. We were way too serious to be so young, and it was the best thing for us, even though at the time I was heartbroken. We ended up staying friends, and would even talk occasionally about the different relationships we were in. After college, I went to visit him, as a friend, in Memphis where he was living. We decided that weekend to get back together, and I moved from Indiana to Tennessee the next month. We were married two years later.

First picture as Mr. and Mrs. Shinneman 

I am a very independent person, but as my disease progresses, I need more and more assistance. I never used to have to use a cane, wheelchair or scooter unless I had a surgery. Now all of those things are in the mix. Just as those things have slowly had to be integrated into my life, they have become a part of his life too. He is the one who loads and unloads my assistive devices for me, never complaining. 

As a person with a disability I often feel like a burden to others. It’s just how I feel. I feel like I am inconveniencing others when I ask for help. I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do. We live in a very fast paced world, and most people don’t want to take time to slow down for what someone with a disability may need. I frequently hear and read about how people with a disability struggle to find a partner who can be so selfless. Never getting to know that person, but instead dismissing them solely based on their disability.

The other side of the story is, as a person with a disability, I also contribute equally to the relationship, pushing myself to hold my own. I often push myself to extremes just so he doesn’t feel like he’s taking it all on himself. As long as I’m capable, that’s what I will do because that is just who I am. 

When living with a disability there are frequent doctor’s appointments. Whenever he is able he comes with me to support me. That really means a lot, and it also helps him to stay on top of information. He’s a fantastic note taker at my appointments, which can be full of information that is often too much to take in and remember it all. He never fails to make me laugh during these appointments that can be so daunting.

Being married with a disability requires humble courage from both individuals involved. As in any marriage, communication is key. In our experience, growing our faith and having a Christ centered marriage has also been key for us. I’m working on asking for help more. We will just say I am a work in progress! Being married for 22 years hasn’t always been easy, but it is definitely worth it. I’m fortunate to have such an understanding and caring human to share life with.

In closing I’d like to share this…my cousin, who is retired from the Air Force, once told Jamie after spending some time with us, that he has great situational awareness. He was spot on. We have known each other for so long, and he is so familiar with my disability that we don’t even have to speak a word. He preemptively knows what I need a lot of the time. It’s like a well practiced and perfected dance. It’s really a beautiful thing. The silver lining. 💚