After the Acceptance

As I talked about in my previous blog, I have embraced the path I am on. I'm still a work in progress, and hopefully I always will be. I also talked about how embracing the path I'm on has been life changing on how I feel about my disability. I used to view myself as weak. I am obviously physically weak, but even more than that I just viewed myself as less capable, or worse, not worthy of accomplishing big goals and dreams I have for myself. Honestly as I child, a teen, and even a young adult, I was just trying to survive. It's a tough world out there, and piling the management of a physical disability on top of the normal woes of growing up was sometimes all encompassing. 

High school days!

I didn't have time to embrace my disability because like everyone else I was trying to fit in. We were not meant to just "fit in". We are meant to be individuals who each bring something different to life. As a child, that's a hard concept to grasp, and even as an adult! I felt like there was everyone else, and then there was me. It was a silent suffering a lot of the time. I did voice it to my friends and family from time to time, but mostly I liked to keep it light, and often even joked about my disability, and some of the challenges it brings. That was not all bad because sometimes we just have to laugh at the things in our lives that are hard. Speaking of the word disability, I probably wouldn't have used that word to describe myself in my younger years. That is a loaded word for many different reasons. Some like it, some don't. To each their own. It doesn't bother me anymore. It empowers me. The word disability used to be a word that would validate my weakness to me. 

I viewed myself as this awkward creature that could generate some of the most hurtful stares and mean comments. Walking into a room full of people, a store, or say a party in my younger days, well that honestly takes a lot of courage. You kind of have to brace yourself. You never know what people are going to say or do regarding your disability. There are those that don't flinch, and there are those who slowly inch away because maybe they don't know what to say, or have never been around a person with a disability. Some stories I've shared, and some I've just kept to myself, because retelling the story can be just as painful.

I would cringe if I caught a glimpse of myself walking in a reflection somewhere. If my parents would play old videos that showed me walking, I would shut my eyes and plead for it to be turned off. I tried to avoid anyone ever videoing me walking. I regret that choice now, but it was just painful for me to come to the reality of what others saw. To me, all I could see was a horribly awkward girl that must have looked scary to some by the looks on their faces. It was easier to pretend that wasn't how I looked when I walked. If I didn't see it, I didn't have to deal with the reality. Feeling and seeing my disability are two totally different things. Each takes a different type of acceptance.

Fast forward to now, I see myself in a totally different way. It's still not easy to watch myself walking, but I can now, and I am glad some are motivated and encouraged by my story. When I watch myself walk it looks like it's hard and tiring, and that's how it feels too. I see myself as different still, but in a good way. I'm empowered not devoured by my differences. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with insecurities, who doesn't?! I'm still at times sensitive and bothered by mean stares, but they don't stay with me like they used to. I choose to think that even though someone may look at me in a mean way, maybe later they will think back about that and learn from it somehow? I can't change how others view me, but I can change how I choose to react to that. 

I am on a humbly courageous mission to serve God, and help others. Taking time to wonder what others think of me, or how they may judge me for certain things I do or don't do would just be a waste of my time. They aren't walking in my shoes, so their judgements are likely inaccurate anyway. The feedback that I am getting is that I am making a difference to the people that I am supposed to make a difference for. I am doing my job here on earth. I no longer view myself as a weak and unworthy, but rather confident, strong and capable of stepping into my calling one day at a time.