Fear of Falling

 Let me set the scene for you. I'm walking through a store holding onto a cart (my safety net most of the time) and I'm with my son Luke who was about 10 at the time. We were walking along chatting when all of a sudden the toe of my shoe caught on the waxy floor and I fell HARD onto the hard concrete floor. I landed with all of my weight on my right knee. I can still vividly feel the pain. It was excruciating. I don't know how much experience you have with falling in public, but there are a few things that come to mind. The first being shock, the next feeling is panic because I am not able to get off the ground without either help from someone strong who knows exactly how to help me up, or a very firm structure at just the right height. Then creeps in the feeling of total embarrassment, and just an overall feeling of helplessness. I had fallen many times in front of Luke at home, but never in public at that time. Oh, the other thing that comes to mind is that most of the time people just walk by. They don't stop to help. This has been my experience at least. A majority of the time. Since Luke was not physically able to pick me up off the floor, I had to quickly devise a plan. The pain was making me want to throw up, but at the same time I had a very strong desire to get up, and get to the car where I could scream and cry my eyes out. It's always a traumatic experience. So, I crawled out of the main aisle to a nearby shelf. Somehow, I hoisted myself up and was able to make it to the car. I tried to hold it together for Luke's sake until I got home. He was scared, and I'm sure also embarrassed at his age.

This is just one of many times I have fallen in public. The falls at school growing up were awful too. I had one friend in particular though that always made my falls when I was with her, a time that somehow we could laugh about after we knew I was ok. I was so grateful for her, as it was during my middle school years where everyone was just trying to fit in. 

For those with Muscular Dystrophy that are fortunate enough to still be walking, falls can be a frequent occurrence. A new friend that I have recently connected with that also lives with Muscular Dystrophy, was telling me about a recent fall she had in public. She and I talked about it back and forth, and we both have pretty much the same reaction. It's hard to fall when you are alone, and if someone does happen to try and help you, telling your story about how you are disabled and can't get up on your own isn't exactly a conversation you want to try and spit out when dealing with the fall. 

I can just be going about my day, when all of a sudden I get this overwhelming feeling of anxiety about falling. It's paralyzing anxiety. It's probably the thing I hate about having a disability the most. I know anyone can fall and get hurt, and it happens. As a result of living a life with Muscular Dystrophy, I was diagnosed with severe osteoporosis in my hips at 25 years old. It's a terrifying thought that I'm one fall away from a major injury that possibly could take me out of my fight to keep walking. I feel a responsibility to myself to stay on my feet. I think about every darn step I take. It's mentally exhausting. 

It's definitely one of the driving factors to doing the stem cell treatments, and the regular exercise. I feel like I don't have a choice, and if I stop, then it's completely my fault if I fall and get hurt. The reason I wanted to write about this was that if you are still learning about physical disabilities, you can see that not only do we deal with the physical demands and exhaustion, but a physical disability is mentally taxing as well. 

The only choice I have is to be mindful of my steps, and to continue on, walking each step with humble courage. A huge shout out to all of my fellow MD warriors, who are also fighting to stay on their feet. One step at a time, grateful for each step we are able to take. Together we fight!